twinges

I've been feeling twinges in my midriff lately. Apparently there's a fibroid tumor (cyst?) lurking there but I really doubt it is so enormous as to cause pain and discomfort. Not that that couldn't happen, but my fibroid is not of such a size as to cause pain. At least, that's what I've been told and that's what I want to believe.

I've had twinges elsewhere, too. It's that time of year, Yontif, New Year. A time to look back at the past year, look forward to the new one. It's a time to atone for your transgressions, to face your detractors, to own your own shit. It's a time to look in the mirror, or worse, make a phone call to someone you've had an issue with, and say, "Um, well, yeah...Can we talk about what happened?"

I've been feeling twinges in my heart that have me twisting a bit. I have some loose ends to tie up, but I honestly don't know if I have the energy to deal with them. Energy is so hard to come by these days. And yet, what I really want to say about these twinges is that as much as I want to run away from the problems they foretell, they draw me back again and again. As much as I want to walk on by, they call to me and beg me to stop and look, look closely and do something for the better, something maybe no one else I know would do, but something all the same.

I might take this week to consider making a move. I might take a few moments to think about my life. I'm hoping for more energy in the new year, but first I need to face myself and my stories. I need to do more or do less, but I need to do...DO.

I'll be going to the doctor on Thursday to see about the fibroid. Ironically, or not, the next day is Yom Kippur, my day of reckoning. I hope I'm able to make something of it, do something with it, move a mountain. We'll see. We'll see.