I've been feeling twinges in my midriff lately. Apparently there's a fibroid tumor (cyst?) lurking there but I really doubt it is so enormous as to cause pain and discomfort. Not that that couldn't happen, but my fibroid is not of such a size as to cause pain. At least, that's what I've been told and that's what I want to believe.
I've had twinges elsewhere, too. It's that time of year, Yontif, New Year. A time to look back at the past year, look forward to the new one. It's a time to atone for your transgressions, to face your detractors, to own your own shit. It's a time to look in the mirror, or worse, make a phone call to someone you've had an issue with, and say, "Um, well, yeah...Can we talk about what happened?"
I've been feeling twinges in my heart that have me twisting a bit. I have some loose ends to tie up, but I honestly don't know if I have the energy to deal with them. Energy is so hard to come by these days. And yet, what I really want to say about these twinges is that as much as I want to run away from the problems they foretell, they draw me back again and again. As much as I want to walk on by, they call to me and beg me to stop and look, look closely and do something for the better, something maybe no one else I know would do, but something all the same.
I might take this week to consider making a move. I might take a few moments to think about my life. I'm hoping for more energy in the new year, but first I need to face myself and my stories. I need to do more or do less, but I need to do...DO.
I'll be going to the doctor on Thursday to see about the fibroid. Ironically, or not, the next day is Yom Kippur, my day of reckoning. I hope I'm able to make something of it, do something with it, move a mountain. We'll see. We'll see.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Today was a grey day, low clouds, moist air that required windshield wipers on my drive into town. I have felt low and defeated all weekend. My plate is full with challenges and sadness, illness and questions. Today's anniversary only deepens that feeling.
Today I am processing, I am sobbing, I am resting and knitting and closing my eyes in bone-tiredness. I am turning my head away and wondering where I can hide.
Today I am anxious about an upcoming surgery for me and for Ben. I am grieving the loss of a friend, my friend's husband, her son's father. Today I am grieving the loss of a childhood and a fatherhood. And I am grieving the loss of innocence of our country, watching the movies online which bring me to tears with the music, the stories, the recordings of last phone calls from desperate fathers and daughters and wives and mothers and sons. They bring me to wrenching, clutching, soul-searing wails.
Today I am sending blessings to everyone in my life, no, everyone on the planet. There is so much healing to be done. I am still meditating on healing.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I found this web this morning, strung between the handles of the manure wheelbarrow and the green bin. Same as two days ago. So beautiful with the beads of dew strung across each rib. Toby and I admired it for a while and then we unhinged it...just like the last time...gently.
The pasture must get cleaned.
But this time I made sure to leave the wheelbarrow far from the green bin. I hate to waste a spider's efforts, even if she doesn't learn.