The Thread

Years ago, when I was a junior in college I became fascinated with the pregnant female shape. My sketchbook became swollen with images of round pregnant bellies with wings and murky fetus shapes. I obsessively created a series of etchings from these sketches and my professor, as I recall, was concerned. Was I pregnant? No, I think it was just my love affair with all things womb-full beginning.

I had completely forgotten about those prints until last week when they suddenly popped into my mind. I was driving home, thinking about my upcoming surgery, and so, as soon as I parked the van, I rushed into the house, unearthed my college portfolio and dug through the papers until I found them. There were more than I remembered and they were perfect.

 

Perfect because those images fit with a concept I’d been brewing for the past couple months.

On Monday I am having a hysterectomy. I was diagnosed with a large uterine fibroid and adenomyosis (fibrous growth within the uterine wall). After years of debilitating, heavy menstrual bleeding I am borderline anemic and nothing I’ve done non-invasively has been able to change that. After a lot of soul searching, a lot of interviewing of women who’d gone through the operation, and a lot of research I decided I needed to proceed. But I did so with a very heavy heart. Losing my womb felt very big. Very, very big.

I started to think about my uterus, the wonderful work it’s done (as evidenced by my three strapping young men), and my pregnancies. Those musings uncovered a thread that’s run through my adult life and those long forgotten etchings were like a link completing the circuit. When I found them I could feel the electricity sing.

The summer before my second year of college I was blessed to attend a birth, my very first one. My boyfriend’s sister-in-law was having a baby and the room was filled with friends and family (really, it was filled!). The only other birth I’d ever witnessed was my cat having kittens, which was wonderful in its own right, but this, this was different. I practically swooned (hospitals do that to me) and I had to leave the room. But I righted myself in time to see that little baby emerge from his mama and that experience changed my life.

The miracle of birth…a baby grows inside the mother…the baby emerges from the mother…this had never occurred to me before. Not like that. Not really. And that vision of it, that realization, was mind-blowing to this young woman.

I always knew I wanted to have kids and I looked forward to my first pregnancy. What surprised me was how ferociously I loved being pregnant. My pregnancy with Harry was perhaps the best physical time of my life. I got big and round immediately because I tend towards that pregnant shape naturally, and being able to let it all hang out was like taking a warm bath in my body all the time. I was meant to be this pregnant shape.

I took prenatal aerobics classes two or three times a week. I loved being in that room dancing around with other pregnant women. My limbs thinned out and my belly grew larger. I was HUGE by the end.

Throughout that pregnancy I was loving life so much that I considered the possibility of being a surrogate mother for infertile couples as a possible career! I did not want to live un-pregnant. As my due date approached I mourned the end of my pregnancy.

Having my baby, of course, changed that. Who has time to mourn the end of pregnancy when the outcome is as delicious as my adorable baby? (A baby who, by the way, just turned 18 last week!) I don’t remember thinking much about being a surrogate mother once he arrived. And my subsequent pregnancies with Ben and Toby were if not miserable, certainly never as easy and comfortable and enjoyable as that first time.

I started to help my friends during their labors. I quickly realized that I came into my essential self when I was guiding a friend through the relaxing, visualizing, breathing and pushing that happens at a birth. That feeling culminated when I coached my sister Mara through her labor 11 years ago. She was such a goddess and we got into the most incredible groove, forehead to forehead, nose to nose, breathing together, groaning together, holding each other till my beautiful niece was born. It was another life changing event. I was more present for her than the midwife in some ways. It was just us in that room (at least it felt that way) and I was her guide and protector.

Over the years I have begun to craft an idea that one day, I will do this. I mean, I will do this. Be a doula, be there to carry a mother through her labor and beyond. Last year, when Chanel asked me to be present at her second child’s birth (via C-section), to hold her hand and be her support, I leapt at the chance. It’s a long story, which you can read here, here, here, here and here, but suffice it to say that while helping her, my memory was recharged: I want to do this. I want to guide women in mothering, in birthing, in breastfeeding. This is my calling.

The experience with Chanel confirmed that when I grow up I want to be a doula (birth coach) or lactation consultant. I plan to wait until the boys are old enough to be self-sufficient for a period of time (the days I could potentially be away with long labors and new moms). Being a doula is bigger than just the birth experience, they often work with families before, during and after the birth, with preparing, with laboring, with nursing, and caring for the child and the mama. Just thinking of this makes me excited to move forward with it. But I need a bit more patience. Toby is only 10 and not ready for me to take on this other responsibility.

Hearing from the gynecologist that I needed a hysterectomy was a shock. Talking to many women who had had the surgery was a shock. “You don’t need it any more.” “Uteruses are for growing babies and then cancer.” At my pre-op appointment the surgeon actually used the word “amputate” (I know, surgeons, right?). I feel like my connection to that part of me is so different, so filled with appreciation and gratitude. It is that thread that runs through my adult life and goes to the deepest places of who I am.

I took a walk with my friend Madeleine the other day. We walked along the beach talking about transitions from one period to another in life, about moving through and beyond periods that define you in order to find new definitions. We talked about the sorrows and the joys that come with each new chapter. I drew my earth-woman-fertile-mother figure in the sand and let the waves caress her. I blessed myself, my core woman mother self. I have come to this realization: The earth mother in me is not going away, the core of woman- and motherhood that rests energetically in my womb will remain in me.

Tomorrow morning I will stem the out-flow of my own vitality. Though I will enter the hospital womb-full and leave womb-less, I will not be losing my self. I will be entering my next stage and it is a beautiful stage, that of wise crone woman, guide and caregiver, and the thread will remain. Think of me when you can and send me your healing blessings. Thanks.

feeling blessed

I participated in an Interfaith Thanksgiving service at my synagogue tonight. I was part of the planning committee and was asked to play my guitar and sing and to speak on the topic of gratitude for the blessings in our lives. Following is what I wrote and read. I'm dedicating it to my friend Svetlana.


My sons and I enjoy playing a storytelling game when we’re in the car on long drives. It’s called Fortunately/Unfortunately. You take turns going around the group, each person adding a sentence to the tale. It goes something like this:

First person: There once was a kid who had to walk to the library.

Next person: Fortunately, he lived only a block away…

Next person: Unfortunately, it was an extremely long block…

Next person: Fortunately, he only had one book to return that day…

Next person: Unfortunately, it was a huge book with about 1,000,000 pages…

You can see how it goes. Fortunately/Unfortunately. Your fortune can turn on a dime. This game reminds me of a wonderful Zen story, you can find it in this book, Zen Shorts. It’s the same idea, a tragedy befalls a farmer, and his neighbors say “Such bad luck!” and his response is, “Maybe.” Then, something good happens because of it and his neighbors say, “Such good luck!” and his response is, “Maybe.” As you find out in the story, your perspective can definitely change your experience of life.

It was raining the other night when I was thinking about perspective while I tried to fall asleep. It was raining, and it was a particularly cold night, and our heater had not been working in over two weeks, and winter was coming on. My nose was cold. The temperature in our house was 54 degrees!

I rolled over and grumped at my husband. I grumped and wished to be warm and complained and felt oh so sorry for me. Me and my cold nose in my house with no heat.

It’s easy to get negative. It's easy to look around and notice what’s wrong in your life. We all have something to complain about. Aches and pains, someone suffering whom we love, the heater’s broken again, the internet’s too slow. And then there’s the world with all of its aches and pains and suffering.

Very recently I made a discovery that if I shift my focus, if I take a different perspective, I can release myself from some of the burdens I carry around. I suppose it’s one of those lessons I need to learn over and over again. It’s not earth-shattering, it’s very simple.

I decided to say to myself: This is your life. Be in it, be in it right now.

I don’t say: Enjoy it. I don’t say: Count your blessings. I don’t say: It’s not so bad or It could be worse. There’s no judgment. I say: This is your life. This is it. Your life isn’t yesterday and it isn’t tomorrow. It’s happening now and you need to be present for this moment.

Six years ago my family was hit by a tidal wave of what some might call misfortune, but what I would call Life. My father-in-law passed away very suddenly, a month later we had to move into the house my husband was building earlier than expected, and a month after that we found out our 8 year old middle son needed immediate brain surgery. That would have been enough, enough to keep most people busy. But then the recovery didn’t go well, there were complications and infections, spinal fluid leaks, several more surgeries and ultimately, 40 nights in the hospital, mostly in the pediatric ICU.

Months later I’d look back at that extraordinary experience, the days and nights in the hospital, the four surgeries, the months away from my other children, and I would find myself feeling very blessed. It was odd really. My lovely little boy had gone through something truly excruciating (we all had) and I felt wrapped in golden light. Throughout that grueling time we had been surrounded by friends and family. People we loved and people we barely knew had come to hold us, to be with us, to give us food, to give us a break, to tell us their stories and to tell us we were in their thoughts and prayers. I felt such gratitude for being held in that way. I had never felt quite so blessed before in my life.

You might wonder how we got through that difficult time and all I can tell you is you do what needs to be done. If ever there was a time in my life I needed to be present, that was it. Of course, I did worry about the future, especially for my son, but my focus got incredibly tight: Be in your life right now, right this instant. Don’t look away.

The day after we had finally returned home I sat in our loveseat in our not-quite-finished new house with my two younger sons on either side of me. Ben, my middle son, was 8 and Toby, my baby was 5. We sat there, right next to each other, with a big pile of books and I read to them for hours. We were all so relieved, so content, so good just being there together on the couch with our books and our bodies snuggled up next to each other. I remember thinking: This is all I need.

So the other night, when I rolled over and grumped at my husband about my cold nose in my house with no heat, I could have gone on. But, I stopped myself. I told myself: This is your life. Be in it, be in it right now. I changed my perspective and my focus. Electric blanket, wool socks, roof over my head, loving husband, happy kids. Blessings one and all.

shift

I feel that I've been so selfish, keeping this information from you, but I want you to know that Ben has turned a corner.

Something shifted with this last surgery. Something shifted in such a big way that it feels like we're suddenly in a much sharper, more spectacular focus.

Ben is happy.

Sounds deceptively simple, doesn't it? Happy. Content. Cheerful. Laughing, telling jokes, smiling, willing, open. Seems pretty run of the mill, as far as states of being go. But for this boy, this boy on the verge of his 14th birthday, this boy who just underwent his 9th surgery, happy is a HUGE shift and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

Perhaps it was that he chose the date. Ownership, a sense of control over his own life. That has to be big. Think about it. You're almost 14 and for the past six years you've been handed a bill of goods that just felt completely unfair. That just was completely unfair. Time and again you were told "You're having surgery." You had no choice. You've spent countless days in the hospital, know your way around the needles and vocabulary and procedures in the OR and anaesthesiology and the surgical ward...and you're still a kid. This was your life and yet you were dragged along on this horrible, painful ride and no one ever gave you the reins.

But this time was a bit different. Ben was away on a trip with my mom to Washington DC and the night of their return he walked into the house and the first thing he said was, "We need to schedule my next lengthening. My back is killing me. I need to do it NOW." It just so happened that I had two possible surgery dates in my back pocket (the time for the next lengthening was definitely looming, but there's always wiggle room) and I offered them up. It wasn't a great choice: October 26th (and miss Halloween) or November 28th (and have surgery on your 14th birthday). He chose the former, there was no hesitation. I scheduled it the next morning.

The next possible factor in the shift was one I made. In September I attended a talk given by Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist and parenting expert who wrote Hold on to Your Kids, one of my favorite (if not my favorite) parenting books. I've heard him before, but love to get refreshers so I went with a couple friends to listen. What I heard was so eye opening that I gripped my seat. I leaned over at one point and whispered to my friends, "I so needed to be here tonight." I knew immediately that this was the information that was missing for me.

Gordon talked about resilience in kids. He talked about what is necessary for them to learn (not just mind-know but body-know) that they will survive. He talked about frustration and futility and the tears that come with those experiences. And he talked about how important it is, as the parent supporting that child, that you allow them to feel all that hard stuff, you don't redirect them just before they hit the wall. This was the key for me. I saw immediately that what I'd been doing with Ben was holding him close and not letting him feel it. I was so sad for him, so afraid of what would happen if he felt the totality of his difficult path, I didn't actually know what would happen. I was afraid of what he would do if he felt that huge sadness. And then I heard Gordon talk and I realized that I was not allowing Ben to get through it himself. I wasn't even getting through it myself. Hearing and knowing that, I was suddenly able to visualize how Ben would survive his experience and it was such a relief. Everything shifted for me that night.

When I next spoke with Ben about his scoliosis and his upcoming surgery I didn't hide an anxiety of how he would handle it. I didn't have that anxiety anymore. I knew that he needed to have his feelings about it and having them would aid him in moving through the experience with strength and the knowledge he'd make it.

So, the days before the surgery date passed by and he was not depressed. He packed for Philly and I did not hover. We said goodbye, he had a great trip there and an even better arrival (thank you Ritz-Carlton). And the morning of the surgery he texted me from the cab, "I think my brain doesn't realize I'm about to have surgery. I'm not nervous at all," and I texted back, "I think your brain knows that you're going to be fine."

Ben got through the surgery that day with flying colors. His mood was positive and upbeat. He was up and moving around within hours of waking up and he was happy. Happy. How is that possible? I thought to myself. Happy.

He was discharged 36 hours after the surgery (we again must tip our hats to the Ritz, a better incentive to get out of the hospital there never was) and I asked him if he thought his physical therapy was at all a piece of how good he was feeling. His response: "Oh, definitely!"

The third piece. Ben started physical therapy at my request after a friend of mine whose son also is going through the procedures at Shriners told me that it was making a positive difference for her son. I thought it couldn't hurt, but it was another thing I was making Ben do (if you asked him at the time) that he wasn't happy about. For several months this year twice a week he'd work out at the PT gym, which really didn't seem like a punishment, but if you're 14 and This is Your Life and you're surrounded by grandmas and grandpas recovering from strokes, let's face it, it's not the activity that makes you say, "Jeez, I LOVE my life!" At least, not Ben.

But again, that's shifted. Several times since the surgery we've talked about how the PT made a big difference in how his body felt post-op. I can tell that Ben's attitude is different. He's gained an appreciation for it. Then last week I asked him when he thought he'd like to start back up with it (See, I'm learning! I gave him the reins!) and he said with a smile, "Well, definitely sooner rather than later."

Yesterday he told me it was time to make the appointment! Now I'm happy!

Since returning home, Ben has had 99% happy days. He has not woken up and said "My life sucks." He has not been blue. He's been moving around and playing and laughing and cracking us up.

Shift. It's like a gentle earthquake. Emotional plate tectonics. I wanted you to know.

awesome

I got a call today on my cell phone from Ben.

"Well, Mama, I'm getting out of here today. Going back to the Ritz."

"That's GREAT! How are you feeling?"

"I am awesome, Mama. Let me repeat that: I. AM. AWESOME."

His voice was full. Full of pride and happiness and awesomeness. I haven't heard him sound so strong in months. Years maybe.

Earlier today I called Emily at the Ritz. She's the Assistant to the General Manager. I told her the story of Ben's text message from the lobby upon his arrival. I told her how he loved the desserts. My voice cracked when I thanked her for all the Ritz does to change Ben's experience of his medical travails. The Ritz is like an incentive program on steroids for Ben. Get up and walk. CHECK. Get up and pee. CHECK. Eat something. CHECK. CHECK. CHECK. The sooner you do all these things the sooner you get to go back to your comfy digs at the Ritz. Oddly enough, Ben does not respond to most incentive programs. He is not easily coerced, manipulated or motivated. But, he now knows the routine at the Ritz and it's pretty sweet.

That's it for now. Just an awesome update. So very happy to have it share.

skin-on-skin

When Ben was born I was quite sick. I was dehydrated, running a fever, some kind of virus was in charge. I went into labor two weeks early and even after several hours in the hospital on an IV the nurses weren't convinced that it was "time." Eventually, though, Mr. Ben made his appearance, and even though he was early he was a nice 8 pounds.

But, due to the distress in his last days inutero, for several weeks he wasn't able to maintain a stable body temperature, so we were sent to bed together to have skin-on-skin contact. I'd peel down my nightgown (and pray I wouldn't leak milk all over him) and we'd undress his little body. We'd wrap up together under flannel sheets and flannel blankies and a heavy down comforter and nap...and nurse...and nap. I mean, what better to do? He was a sleepy new baby and I, a sleepy mom. Now that I think about it, of course all mamas and babies should be so, tucked away in warmth and safety, sharing the heat they shared for the first nine months. But, at the time, not being quite so earthy-crunchy (or informed...or evolved) as I am now, it was a prescription for a fragile time, for a fragile baby.

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, heart racing, thinking of my baby across the continent, laying in his bed trying to sleep, my mind paused on that memory and I was struck by the significance. Because, really, in all I do as a mother, it's that, absolutely. Even though he is 3000 miles away from me, I held him to my skin and I gave him the warmth, and security, and stability he needed to know that I, his mama, was there to keep him safe.

And when, at 3 am, I awoke, my body aware that 3000 miles away he was awake, and sitting in a cab on his way to the hospital, I began our two hour text-versation with these words: "I'm here."

* * * * * * * * * *

Update: Ben is out of surgery. All went well. He has a new 17" rod installed. He's resting, eating ice chips, and watching TV. It's not his best day, but I can also tell you, it's not his worst! More later...